By WILL WHATLEY, Alabama Daily News
Please enjoy this ill-informed and totally unprofessional football extravaganza. For entertainment purposes only (entertainment not guaranteed).
We are well into the 2019 football season. Likewise, the 2020 election is pretty much in full swing already. There have been three Democratic primary debates with a fourth one upcoming as they try to whittle down the field. The Republicans have a few guys trying to run against an incumbent who is popular among the party so it’s cute they’re trying but they ain’t doing anything.
Whatever your passion is, it’s a great time of year for it. So, just for fun, let’s unite meatheads and nerds alike with a breakdown of the 2019 SEC football programs as candidates for president.
ALABAMA – President Donald Trump
Whether you like it or not, he’s the reigning champ until someone knocks him off his perch. His supporters adore him in a cult-like fashion. His detractors hate him with an equally intense passion. Chances are he’s going to pull this thing off somehow, which will surely cause half the country to lose their minds. But chinks in the armor have started to show, and one or two errant plays could end his season for good.
AUBURN – Massachusetts Sen. Elizabeth Warren
She has plenty of talent and, if the competition was solely decided by having plans, she’d win by a mile. On her best days, it’s hard to keep up with her. But, she has also shown a dumfounding tendency for self-sabotage. She has the best shot to leapfrog Biden and win the nomination, but she also needs a lot of things to go right. Sound like an East Alabama team you know?
ARKANSAS – New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio
NOPE, just nope. His chances were dead on arrival. I feel like going on would be pointless and a little mean, but screw it. Y’all remember “Pizza Rat?” It had a higher approval rating in NYC than de Blasio. It also has a better shot of winning the SEC than Arkansas does.
FLORIDA – South Bend Mayor Pete Buttigieg
Expectations were pretty low at first. I mean, a gay millennial mayor from a small town in Indiana doesn’t exactly sound like a presidential resume. Likewise, Florida was entering only its second year under Dan Mullen, who’s installing a spread offense with ground-and-pound players. Neither had the characteristics that inspired big-game confidence. Now their rise in the polls belies their humble beginnings. They are looking more like they can hold their own, but success also puts a target on your back. Maybe the big victories are still down the road, but they’re gaining good experience for the future.
GEORGIA – Vermont Sen. Bernie Sanders
Both consistently do pretty well in the polls and have come close in the past, only to struggle to seal the deal. Expect another strong campaign this time around, but can you really trust them to take it all? Nah. They’re well-received on their home turf but that’s about it. Plus they act like they’re conquering heroes when in actuality they really haven’t done anything in a while. But I guess confidence can breed success eventually.
KENTUCKY – New Jersey Sen. Cory Booker
Once you could almost, perhaps, maybe see it happening, but that moment passed pretty quickly. They’re still fun to watch, though, partly because they could definitely still mess up someone else’s plans. Sometimes being the spoiler is its own reward.
LSU – Former Vice President Joe Biden
The odds-on favorite to take down the reigning champ. In fact, it seems like everybody is itching for that matchup. There are some glaring deficiencies that could really slow them down, though. Defense has shown to be vulnerable to attacks. They’re going to get the best shot from everyone else, too, starting this weekend.
MISSISSIPPI STATE – Former Congressman Beto O’Rorke
Send not to know for whom the cowbell tolls, it tolls for thee. These two sure do make a lot of noise, but at the end of the day, their presence amounts to a non-factor in the race. They could have probably done well against easier competition in a lesser conference, but running for the top job is getting above their raising.
MISSOURI – Minnesota Sen. Amy Klobuchar
Both are non-threatening and really quite pleasant (at least to non-staffers). They aren’t the flashiest and can sometimes seem dull but they’re sturdy and dependable. They’re like tomato soup; nobody ever craves them but they’re palatable and get the job done.
OLE MISS – Billionaire businessman Tom Steyer
You figured they’d be doing better since they come from money, but you’d be wrong.
SOUTH CAROLINA – Hawaii Congresswoman Tulsi Gabbard
Could be a sleeper (agent) in the race. There’s lots of energy and talent surrounding the program, but they’re still a few years away from making the leap to the top tier. Currently, their program is defined by success taking on pillars of the conference/party, rather than by their own bonafides. Here’s hoping for a post-season showdown with Central Florida (more on that below).
TENNESSEE – Author Marianne Williamson
Easily confused by bright lights. Currently their presence in the race is a mere formality. Also not big believers in vaccines.
TEXAS A&M – California Senator Kamala Harris
Once a trendy pick to pull an upset, but momentum has faded and a middle-of-the-pack finish is the likeliest result. They have the ability to ruin someone else’s dreams so don’t expect them to roll over and play dead.
VANDERBILT – Entrepreneur Andrew Yang
Definitely the smartest kids in the room but out of their element here. Education is the name of the game with these two but they’re pushing math and technology a lot, like to an uncomfortable degree. Like dude, just help me calculate an appropriate amount to tip a food service worker to keep their spit out of my food and I’m good. Extra points for helping me figure out how to stream Netflix to my new TV.
CENTRAL FLORIDA – Hillary Clinton
We get it, nobody actually beat you that one year, but under the rules we all agree to, you’re just not the champ. Supporters from both divisions are united in their frustration with you and desire for you to go away.
SEC Referees: The Media
We can’t live with them and we can’t live without them. No matter what team you pull for, you’re confident they are out to get you. But much of our distrust they have totally earned.
Contact the author at firstname.lastname@example.org or on twitter at @WhatleyADN. Replies will be sent in between phish songs.